Rough road

I’m struggling at the moment. Relieved that August is over and looking forward to 2019 being over too. I started this year full of hope, but the 2 losses this year have hit me hard and I’ve been suffering through my darkest times.

I went in for surgery 2 weeks ago. The Hysteroscopy went well and the surgeon found a large uterine septum which he removed (Metaplasty). A septate uterus is a congenital defect and it develops just 9 weeks after conception, so it’s been there a long time! It’s thought that the miscarriage rate in women with a septate uterus is 75-90%. So really, my pregnancies may have been doomed from the start. My Doctor explained this is due to the lack of blood supply in over half the uterus. I’m lucky the surgeon found it and removed it, everything appears normal via ultrasounds and other scans, but it can sometimes be detected using the Hysteroscope.

I really hope this is what has been causing the pregnancy losses. My Doctor says it will be a part of it, but there’s no guarantee that I won’t still have difficulties carrying a baby. I’m back at hospital this week to talk through the results of a recent round of blood tests and for some scans to check how things are healing after the surgery.

To prevent scarring they put 2 copper IUDs in for 1-2 months. The irony of having double contraception when there’s zero chance of me getting pregnant…

I’ve been bleeding since the surgery (2 weeks ago) and this is expected to last the rest of the month. I’ve also experienced terrible stomach cramps, so bad last week that I was driving and had to pull over and curl up in the back seat of the car crying in pain. The Doctor says it’s my body trying to push out the copper coils and has prescribed pain killers. Urgh. In a way, I find the physical pain helps. It gives me something to focus my energy on. And it’s a distraction.

I’m having a difficult time with my family. They were upset that I refused to celebrate my birthday this year. I just felt that there was nothing worth celebrating. I went in for the surgery 2 days later, a very expensive birthday present to myself. I know my parents are very worried about me. I hear them talking. It breaks my heart even more to cause them distress. I hate myself for inflicting pain on the only people who care about me unconditionally.

I’ve pushed away almost everyone else now. Most of my friends gave up on me a long time ago. And the ones that did stick around must be so fed up and bored with the same old story…another miscarriage….here she goes again. The TTC community on Instagram has been a lifesaver, but I do miss being around friends, their voices, laughter.

Hoping for some answers at the hospital, and then I need to make a plan for what to do next. It will be a couple of months before I can try again as everything needs time to heal after the surgery. I don’t expect to be able to try again this side of Christmas 😦

Please, please can 2020 be better? I feel as though infertility and the pregnancy losses have robbed me of the past few years and if I’m not careful I will lose even more.

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