This will sound dramatic, but I feel like I am being bombarded with baby news everywhere I turn. I came off Facebook to avoid the constant triggers, but that isn’t enough. This morning my Dad just casually mentioned that one of my cousins has had their second baby. Yesterday Mum told me that another cousin had their first baby. These aren’t even the cousins my age, they have already completed their families and their kids are in school! These are my much younger cousins, born in the 1990s. The feeling of being the fat old failure of the family is intense right now.

My pregnant sister-in-law has announced her pregnancy news to the wider family so there is lots of baby talk on the family group text messages and emails. I feel like I’m a tightly coiled spring, constantly waiting for the next pregnancy and baby news to hit. There has been so much of it this year that I’m finding it hard to feel happy for friends and family any more. It is like being kicked when I am down, over and over again.

I am going in for surgery next Monday. 2 days after my 38th birthday, what a lovely way to celebrate! The Doctor suspects there may be some scar tissue from the past D&Cs that he will need to remove. After the surgery they fill the uterus with padding to prevent new scar tissue forming. This stays in place for at least 1 month, then after being removed they ask you to wait another month to see how your periods return. This all means I’m unlikely to be able to try again until 2020. FML.

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