The past 10 days have been tough. News of my sister in law’s pregnancy nearly broke me. My parents can’t understand why I am so upset. It’s hard to explain. The timing, with the most recent pregnancy loss just a week before, and the harsh reminder of the losses that have gone before that whilst my brother has a perfect little son and is now expecting his second child. I am out of my mind with envy. I can’t imagine how it would feel to be pregnant and confident in the knowledge that it will end with a healthy baby. To be able to tell, celebrate, and not be filled with dread that it will all come crashing down.

I feel selfish. And mean. And bitter. But I know my limits and I know I can’t be around my SIL for a while. Avoidance works for me right now.

After a very dark few days I am starting to get some energy back. I’ve made a big To Do list and am taking things one hour at a time. I can’t keep wallowing in bed here in France. We have workmen at the house and it was starting to get awkward, trying to explain in schoolgirl French why I was crying in bed in the dark at 3pm on a sunny day and yes they can switch off the mains electricity and do some drilling, I don’t care. That had to stop!

For the past week I’ve been down to the beach for a swim each day. It’s not much but it’s amazing the difference it has made. Apart from that I’ve been working and reading up a storm. So glad to be freelance now. When I feel like working I can, and I get paid for it. Those days under the dark cloud when I wasn’t up to it, I didn’t even open my laptop, and it didn’t matter. Self-employment is turning out to be a great decision.

Yesterday I signed up for a swim race down on the Atlantic Coast (2 hours drive from here). So happy I went. It felt good to take the car out, spend time with other swimmers, and as a bonus I picked up some medals.

I’m flying to London tomorrow. Going to stay with my parents for 2 nights then back to France. I still haven’t decided if I can make the move to London now, or whether to look for somewhere else for a base. I know London makes sense for lots of reasons, but the idea of being surrounded by my pregnant family and friends fills me with dread.

I’m seeing my GP in the morning and have decided it’s time to get back to therapy and medication. I could have done with both over the past year and I wish I’d been better at seeking out help in Singapore. Also have an appointment to see a recurrent miscarriage specialist at one of the big university hospitals. Interested to see if he has any new ideas.

Small steps, but moving forwards.

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