Floodgates

Thought I was doing a good job of holding things together since the latest loss. I’m not. This afternoon, I felt like the sky came crashing down.

My brother messaged me out of the blue. They’re pregnant. It’s their second child. I love my nephew so much, and I am happy for my brother and his wife that their little family is growing to 4. But at the same time I feel like my insides have been ripped out. So many emotions racing through me.

Envy, rage, bitterness, despair.

I can picture the moment they told me about their first pregnancy, right when I was embarking on my own IVF journey. Today’s news is a very painful reminder of how long this has been going on, and the emptiness in my life. How many other friends and family have also had to send a “sensitive” message to tell me their pregnancy news over these past few years. How it hurts. Every time.

Part of my plan with moving back to London was to rent a place nearby my brother so I can spend time with them. I don’t think I’m strong enough to do that now, watching the pregnancy progress, even the thought of it hurts.

I know my parents will be so happy with this news, they love their grandson so much.

I’m in Denver and about to get on a flight to Miami then a connecting flight to Puerto Rico. Visiting my cousin and his family. His sister is pregnant and today is her due date. Mum messaged me a reminder so I could prepare myself for the announcement which I know will be triggering. I’ve been psyching myself up for it. Another friend is also due around now. I deleted Facebook when I miscarried in February but made the mistake of reactivating it when I was pregnant a few weeks ago. I’ve removed it again. Small steps but self-preservation. I dread receiving messages now, never knowing when the next pregnancy announcement or birth story is going to hit.

I know I can’t be with my cousin when that news from his sister comes in, on top of last week’s loss, and now the news from my brother. I’ve been plastering on a smile since the loss, but now I’m exhausted and don’t have the energy to keep faking it and acting like I’m ok. I’m not.

I’ve cancelled my Puerto Rico flights and booked a flight to London tomorrow. I don’t know where I’ll go from there, the last place I want to be is home. I need to let my family celebrate the pregnancy announcement before I go back there. Will hide out until I feel ready to face them.

I hate living like this, always running away.

My sister in law knew about my latest pregnancy and loss and I feel guilty that I’m tarnishing their happy news with more failure.

I was staying with a former colleague and his family. They went through a lot of heartache creating their family, and were incredibly kind when I explained why I was upset this afternoon. We were heading to the airport soon after and I spent the entire journey sobbing. It felt good to let it out. And to be around people who understand the misery and heartbreak.

Time for some self care and healing.

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