Number 5

5 is a lucky number in Asia. Not for me. This is now my 5th pregnancy loss.

I thought this time would be different. But that’s what I’ve though each previous time the double lines show up on the test, only to have my heartbroken. All over again.

This time it happened early, 5 weeks. Before the scans. The cramps gave it away. The digital test going from Pregnant to Not Pregnant in the space of 48 hours days was a nice punch in the gut. I couldn’t stop testing until even the ultra sensitive tests were showing negative. And then my period arrived in full force. I guess I should be grateful that it was heavy, as they’ve been so light over the past year. Hopefully that means something’s happening in there.

I need a scan when I’m home to check everything has gone.

I’m away visiting friends in US. In a way it has been easier being with friends, but it is also hard putting on a brave face. I’m so fed up of bringing people down with my news. It feels like all I’ve contributed to my friends and family over the past 3 years is misery.

I’ve booked in to see (another) specialist in London when I get back. Relieved there isn’t a long waiting list like there was in Singapore, but not feeling hopeful that he will have anything new to tell me.

I’m relieved not to be in Asia for this, and I will distract myself with finding somewhere to rent in London when I get back.

I want need this year to get better. Not sure how many more setbacks I can rebound from.

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