A few years ago in Sydney (not long after my second miscarriage) I signed up for an 8 week evening course “Get Your Shit Together”.

It is fair to say that today, my shit is definitely not together!

I’m back in a funk. Sleepless nights, crying, lots of anger. It could be that my period is coming (it’s due) but after the last cycle where it didn’t arrive for 2 months and that was only after a prompt with some hormones I’ve lost confidence in my body to perform.

I’m trying to take things slowly, the swimming, library, bath, early nights self-care routine. Simple things. Would rather be back in the Maldives!

This article resonated SO MUCH! Glamour article It is part of Glamour’s Modern Fertility series. So Good!

Thursday afternoon I went to the National University Hospital here in Singapore to their recurrent pregnancy loss clinic. I’d waited 3 months for the appointment but it was totally worth it. I realised it’s the first time I’ve sat down with a doctor to talk specifically about the miscarriages. All the other times have been by phone or email to Australia or Spain, or a rushed appointment with the Fertility Specialist here in the middle of the miscarriage. It felt good to talk through the history calmly, and the Doctor went through my medical records. She told me Singapore is not a good place for me to do this, with the restrictions on donor sperm for unmarried women, and as a foreigner I pay full charges for every procedure. It is cheaper for me to fly to Europe or Australia for the list of blood work, and it is significantly cheaper to fly overseas for the Hysteroscopy and laparoscopy surgeries. Just as well I’m leaving here in 5 weeks then!

I got some blood drawn as there are a couple of tests they can do which don’t look like they’ve been tested before, an SLE panel (for connective tissue issues) and another of the clotting factor tests.

The Doctor said that even if the results come back positive the treatment is often aspirin and blood thinners (Lovenox or Clexane). I’ve already agreed to follow this protocol anyway for my next cycle given the Rheumatoid Arthritis and Raynauds.

I have heard that many clinics overseas give a course of antibiotics before a cycle, and wondered if this could help. My Doctor agrees that Doxycycline can be added.

I’m still undecided about the surgery. A lot will depend if/when my period arrives. If it looks more back to normal then perhaps the scar tissue isn’t too bad, if it is late and light again I think the surgery is required. I’m waiting to see if my doctor here will agree to this being a medical procedure, and covered on my insurance. The specialist I saw on Thursday said this would usually be the case, it is not a fertility treatment it is repairing damage to the uterus. But I’ve learned that decisions aren’t always logical here in Singapore. If it’s not covered then I will definitely wait until I’m back home. 2019 has been another write off, but there is still a slim chance I could end the year pregnant.

Aside from the physical challenges of the ongoing fertility battle I’ve been feeling very stressed about leaving my job. I know it is the right decision, for many reasons, but I am just so sad that there wasn’t any way of staying with the company. I hate that I’m leaving because one or two people in our leadership team decided not to support me. I know I have the wider support of leadership and it upsets me that corporate politics comes in to play.

It’s Sunday today and I’m not going to work. There is a lot to get done over the next few weeks but I really have to let some things fail, and accept that others in my team must step up. It’s not all my responsibility.

My brother, his wife and my nephew arrive Wednesday night. I’m so excited. After their cancelled Christmas visit it will be so good to see them. I’ve cleared my schedule Friday and we are going to get the boat over to Indonesia for the weekend. My little nephew is going to love it here, and I’m so happy he will get to use all the great kids facilities. The reason I rented such a large apartment in a “family” condo is because I was expecting to have both my babies here. How very wrong!

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