Let down

After a blissful long weekend in Maldives I’m back in Singapore. Feeling very low this week. The morning I got back I had a scan at the hospital. It wasn’t good.

The drugs they gave me helped to trigger my period, but when it came it only lasted a day and I knew something wasn’t right. I’ve been taking Progynova for 12 days. By this time the endometrial lining should be 7-8mm. Mine was only 4mm. The doctor thinks it could be due to some scar tissue that has formed after the surgery.

I’m feeling so let down by my body. Not only can I not sustain a pregnancy, now my body can’t create a suitable environment to even try again.

The Doctor in Barcelona says I can try increasing the doses of estrogen I’m taking, and add some medicated patches too, but my Singapore Doctor isn’t confident that the lining will develop further.

I’m going for another scan on Monday to see if there is any change. Otherwise it will likely be surgery to remove the scar tissue.

I’d been undecided about the laparoscopy but it seems my body is deciding for me!

I’ve got my appointment with Singapore’s Recurrent Pregnancy Loss clinic on Thursday. It’s been a 3 month wait list and I almost forgot I had been referred. Will be a good chance to get a second opinion on when and where to get the surgeries done.

I know it’s not the end of the world, I still have a few more years I can keep trying, and I haven’t exhausted every avenue yet, but I don’t know how many more setbacks I can handle. I’m not myself. Or maybe I am, and my new self is an irrational, angry, bitter woman that I don’t recognise.

I’m moving to London in June and this might be the right time to start the surgeries. I’ll be unemployed and staying with my parents, so it’s not like I have much else to do with my days!

The only positive in this mess is that I’ve met Georgie from Fertility4Me. I’m part of the ChoiceMoms group which is a wealth of resources. Someone posted last month about a new service aiming to support people on their fertility journeys. I’ve struggled in Singapore to access support (more on that later) and I miss the counselling sessions that my Australian IVF clinic offered. Georgie’s website sounded perfect to me. We had a consultation session which was so refreshing – being able to talk to someone who has been through a similar nightmare but is also impartial was amazing. Georgie sent me through a tonne of follow up information and suggestions. The best part of the sessions is being able to get clear on what questions I should be asking my Doctors. Sometimes I get so distracted by the scans or blood test numbers in front of me that I don’t ask the questions that inevitably come bubbling up later. I’ve had another session with Georgie and will keep using the service over the coming months. So grateful to have found her.

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