Pause

I’ve been working in Tokyo most of the past 3 weeks. Only one of those weeks was planned and the two other visits were last minute trips. By the third visit I felt totally frazzled and burnt out. A combination of overnight flights (it’s 7 hours from Singapore to Tokyo), 80 hour work weeks, a stressful project, and drinking too much with my colleagues, I was a mess. There were tears, sleepless nights, I was snapping at colleagues and friends and I sent some emails I shouldn’t have. I didn’t have a grip on my emotions, and the tiredness exaggerated this.

Luckily this crash has coincided with a 4 day visit to the Maldives. Can’t think of a better way to press pause and get my emotions under control. There are no cars here, only patchy wifi, crystal clear water and a good friend from Sweden is here with me. I’m reading, napping, swimming, and most importantly, not thinking (much) about work and my looming unemployment!

I’ve got a scan with my Obstetrician in Singapore the day I get back, to see how everything with my uterus and ovaries is coming along. Still need to decide whether to have the laparoscopy.

I don’t like the amount of uncertainty in my life right now. After June I will have no job, no apartment, no future fertility plans. Usually at least one of those aspects of my life is in balance.

Weirdly, two guy friends got in touch last week out of the blue. They both messaged about problems with their home lives, unhappy marriages, feeling trapped. It was uncanny to hear from them both as they each come from different times in my past. I don’t know what prompted them each to message me. I’m in no position to give relationship advice, and last week I was fighting my own demons. I couldn’t be that “fun-loving, carefree girl” that they think I am. And I don’t want to be the person they turn too when they are bored or frustrated at home, it doesn’t make me feel good and it’s one sided. Strange that it all happened last week.

At least for the next few weeks I don’t have too much work travel: Malaysia, Korea and China then I’m finished!

My brother, his wife and my nephew are visiting Singapore soon and I can’t wait to spend time with them. Soon after that my parents are arriving to help me pack up and move back to London. Lots of family time coming up.

I hope I’ll go back to my last few weeks of work with my emotions more steady. At least with some solid sleep under my belt I will be less likely to have the public meltdowns of last week.

What a rollercoaster!

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