I was naively expecting to wake up from the surgery and be filled with hope and positivity…ready to move on to the next stage in this journey. The reality was quite different!
Being naturally optimistic is generally a good thing for me, but it does mean I fall hard when things don’t work out. The 48 hours post-op have been dark.
The surgery was fine, and the only complication afterwards was my low blood pressure and pulse rate. Each time it fell below 50 bpm the alarms went off, and mine was hovering around the 47 bpm mark for most of the afternoon (my normal resting pulse rate is mid-50s so I tried to explain that high 40s is nothing to worry about after 3 hours lying on my back not moving!). It wasn’t the most relaxing way to come round from the anaesthesia, but it did mean there was a nurse stationed by my side so it was nice to have some company.
Mum came and collected me that evening and brought me home. We both felt flat. It was like we’d channeled our energy in to this stage and now aren’t sure what to do with ourselves. Having the pregnancy officially over it has suddenly hit me that I am back at square one, thousands of $ worse-off and with another deep crack in my heart from the loss. With each loss and failure I am losing hope, and replacing that hope with anger and bitterness. I hate that this bitterness and rage has a place in my soul, but I don’t know how to prevent it from seeping in.
I need answers but I know there probably are none. I need to know that this will work out in the long run but I know there is no crystal ball. I have put my life on hold whilst going through this journey and I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this, only half living, not being the friend, daughter and sister that I want to be.
I really want to jump in the pool for a swim so badly! It will help to clear my head and stop the dark thoughts from clouding out the light. They’ve told me to wait 2-4 weeks post surgery. So at a minimum I have 12 days to go.
Got a call with the Barcelona clinic on Friday to talk about next steps. I feel strongly that I want to give this another try as quickly as possible, and not wait until later in the year. Dr B in Sydney has been emailing me most days and is so supportive. I’ve been very lucky with the medical team that I’ve met along the way, hopefully we will all have something to celebrate soon.