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This past week has been awful. Looking back now it is amazing that a whole week has passed, it feels like a blur, but at the time the days, hours, minutes and seconds felt like an eternity. And now a week has passed. 7 full days since the horror of last Friday morning. And I know that the coming days will not be harder than the past 7 days. I have been trapped in a horrible limbo of waiting. I’m anaemic from the blood loss, have been so dizzy. Iron supplements are meant to help and hopefully this dizziness will pass. Early mornings and night time is the worst. Each time I wake up I have a split second where I forget that I’ve lost the pregnancy, and then it hits me and I’m flooded with grief.

Saw the surgeon this morning. The empty sac is still there on the ultrasound, so tomorrow morning he will operate and clear out everything. I’m relieved to be getting some closure. After the procedure I’ll be able to start thinking about moving on. Like everything in Singapore it’s a long-winded process and a mountain of paperwork, but this procedure will enable my body to be rid of the pregnancy and then we can start on the path to rebuilding and resetting.

Today was one of the best appointments I’ve had with Dr P. He had brought along all my notes (now quite a hefty folder full of scans etc) and has been back through my history. Whilst there is nothing obvious in any of my results that could explain the past 4 pregnancy losses, he has suggested an aggressive course of blood thinners during the next attempt. He also thinks that my arthritis & Raynaud’s could be playing a part in the failures. Even though neither condition impacts my day to day life, and I am not taking medication for either, both are auto immune conditions and could be leading to the failed pregnancies. Who knows. But Dr P thinks it is worth investigating. I am so desperate for answers and explanations that I am happy to try anything.

Having Mum here has been so important. I don’t know what I would have done without her. She has said she will stay as long as I need, and I can’t even think about her going home yet, I know I would crumble without her support, but I also can’t be selfish. Mum has a live back home with Dad, my brother, his wife and my nephew. I feel guilty for keeping her away from them. It also must be so boring for her here! My daily routine involves crying, sleeping, working, repeat! It has been a real wake up to just how lonely my life is here. We have talked a lot about what I should do next. Thinking more and more that it might be time to move home and be nearer my family. I left home at 18 and have been overseas for the past 12 years. I don’t regret my choices, but I also don’t want to keep living like this, with no support network and shutting myself away from anyone who tries to get close. It’s not healthy and its not sustainable.

Work has been such a welcome distraction. It is the only time of the day where I’m not crying or wanting to punch something (although work can make me feel like both those things frequently!) My boss has been very understanding,I’ve explained I have some medical issues. He will give me the time and space that I need. Getting stuck in to some work tasks has been like a temporary holiday from my grief. When I’m working I feel strong and successful. The rest of my life feels like a mess!
I know I must stick to some boundaries. I cannot rely on work to fulfill me, and I will not allow work to dominate every waking moment. I have selected some key projects to focus on in the next few months and will try to stay strong and not get dragged in to other tasks or get distracted by the ‘noise’.

After tomorrow’s procedure it will be another 4-6 weeks before I can think about trying again. I hate all this waiting, but it is probably good to let my mind and body heal before launching in to the next attempt. And it is good to be clear of the hormones for a few weeks.

I want to get back to the positive, optimistic person that I usually am. Recently I’ve felt that I am living under a dark cloud and can’t see any hope. But I keep telling myself that there has to be hope, and there is a reason to keep going. I am grateful to have a loving, supportive family. I am grateful to have a career that I love (although I would give it all up in a heartbeat if it that’s what it takes to become a mother). I am grateful to have my faith (buried deeply, and something I have been questioning a lot recently, but
I trust that there is a greater force at work here) and I am grateful to have my health. My body is not co-operating and I’m devastated by the losses and failures of the past 3 years, but I am healthy and pain-free when so many others are suffering.

Tomorrow’s procedure closes the door on this pregnancy. And Sunday will be a new start on the next chapter. I’m thinking of being naughty and ignoring the ‘no swimming for 6-8 weeks’ rule that the doctors here set. Being out of the water is adding an extra layer of torture. If I’m going to break the rules, I might even be ready for a glass of wine!

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