Ruins

I haven’t been able to write for a while. Even though the words have been spinning around and around my head. For the first 2 weeks, I didn’t write because I didn’t want to jinx the positive pregnancy tests! My heart was bursting. Each day I did a new test (zero willpower to wait for the blood tests!) and each day a beautiful line appeared and got darker and darker. I did a blood test at the clinic, positive and a good score for 5 1/2 weeks. I was booked in for a scan at 7 weeks to check for a heartbeat. That appointment is today. That’s when I felt I would be “safe enough” to write the words that I’ve been bursting to share. I’m pregnant! Cautiously optimistic. This one has been genetically tested; everything looks great.

But now, I’m trapped in hell. Technically, I’m still pregnant, although all I’m carrying is an empty sac. My HCG levels have continued to rise, but not fast enough. This means symptoms, but no baby. The sac is there, but no baby.

On Friday morning I was in the office, feeling good. I went in early as I had an important meeting and didn’t want to be rushing. I popped to the bathroom 5 minutes before the meeting was due to start. There was bright red blood everywhere, all down my thighs, saturating my underwear and on to my dress. I knew immediately it was bad.

I went back to my desk and grabbed my phone and wallet. Told my colleague I had a conference call about to start then took a taxi to the hospital. The nurses were good and I was seen by my gynaecologist immediately. He did a scan and showed me that the sac had stopped growing and told me things didn’t look promising. I knew from the heavy bleeding that it was over. I was given an injection (Lupron Depot) to try to control the bleeding and had blood taken. Told to come back in the morning.

I came home and spent the next 3 hours curled in the floor of my bathroom in agony. I was passing large clots and a lot of blood. I had a headache and severe cramps. I just wanted it to stop.

I called my parents, waking them at 3am. I had an overwhelming urge to go home and be with people who love me. I asked Mum if she could come to Singapore and 5 hours later I’d booked her a ticket and she was on her way to the airport.

Mum arrived the next morning while I was back at the hospital. The blood test that morning showed the levels were not increasing as much, and the sac looked smaller on the ultrasound but still there.

I was told to go home and wait for the rest of the pregnancy matter to pass. The doctor said it should happen within a week but could take longer.

So that’s where I am now. My Mum is here and honestly it is so good to have company. This is my 4th miscarriage. They don’t get easier. Each time I lose a bit of myself, my faith and my hope. This one really hurts because I had done the genetic testing, so the explanation that it was probably a chromosomal issue doesn’t apply.

I have no idea why this has happened. I am talking with my Doctors in Australia and Spain to try to figure out what to do next. I don’t know what else they can test for, but I really need some answers. I can’t just accept this as bad luck.

I don’t know what to do next. I want to try again, but I really don’t think I will be able to get through any more loss or heartbreak.

I am thinking about quitting work. And moving back to my parents. It is too difficult being on the other side of the world, alone. This pregnancy has been my biggest focus since moving to Singapore, it’s meant I have held back from getting settled here, and now that it is over I feel like I’m in prison.

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