Here we go!

This cycle is officially underway! Did my first injection of 300iu Gonal-F last night! The novelty will wear off but I was pretty excited to be back in the swing of things. It feels good to be doing something rather than waiting. The Gonal-F will stimulate my follicules to produce and mature eggs. I’ll be injecting Gonal-F each night and will have a scan on Friday (in London) to check progress.

I’m feeling good today. Yesterday was a little rough – Mum told me that one of my cousins is pregnant. This is the second of my cousins to announce they are pregnant in the past month. I want to be happy for them. But it is difficult. So many mixed up emotions of happiness, jealousy, bitterness and guilt about these feelings. Usually when I get pregnancy news about friends and family I deal with it by avoidance…taking some time out from social media, throwing myself in to work, swimming. Yesterday was a bit harder, my parents are still staying with me, and I could feel them watching my reactions. It was Sunday, so escaping to the office wasn’t an option. I went to the local library, spent a couple of hours working and stocked up on some books to read in Barcelona. Left feeling calmer and got on with the rest of the day.

I’m terrible at communicating with my parents about my emotions. They tried to talk to me yesterday and ended up asking me all kinds of questions about this new cycle in Barcelona. It’s not that I don’t want to tell them about it, but I don’t want them to worry, and I hate the idea of them analysing and monitoring where I am at during each stage. It’s an extra layer of anxiety that I don’t need. I sent them both a link to a typical IVF timeline and told them that I’ll let them know how the cycle goes, but that I don’t want to talk about it any more. They are both amazing and so supportive. I’m so lucky to have them. I hope that if this cycle works I can start involving them more in my pregnancy journey. I know they want to do more to help me, but right now there is nothing they can do apart from be there for me.

Today is a calmer day. I fly to London at midnight, and it looks like I’ll be able to see my nephew and my brother when I arrive. My sister in law is staying with her mother, who is not well. It’s a terrible time for their family, but I am glad to be able to see my nephew.

Went for a long swim this morning before work. Some days when I’m in the water I feel so calm. It’s like meditation for me. My primary reason for choosing to rent this apartment was the swimming pools and I love being able to swim whenever I want. Exercise really helps to lift my mood. I must remember this feeling during tough times. Way cheaper than therapy!

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