And begin again

On my way to the clinic to get my blood drawn for the second time after a lab mixup with 17 of the tubes they drew last time.

I’m feeling very fed up today and didn’t sleep well last night. There was a huge thunderstorm and I just lay there listening to it passing over.

I feel very frustrated to be getting this blood taken again. It’s not a big deal, but I think it just highlights what little progress I’ve made. I’m getting all these tests done so that I can start again with a new clinic in a new country. It’s like all the heartache, physical toll and financial costs of the past 2 years means nothing.

I feel like I’ve only been living half of my life since this all started. I don’t commit fully to friends, family, work or myself. It’s like I’m always holding back. There are some friends I’ve avoided contact with, I think because I’m waiting to have something good to share with them, but I hate myself for being so distant. I don’t want to be the person who always brings people down with her failures. When I hear that friends or family are pregnant I immediately back off, it’s like a physical reaction, part of me feels that if I am too close with them then things will turn out badly for them too, like I’m a bad omen. I know it’s illogical, but it’s how I feel. Like a dark cloud that has failed to maintain her pregnancies and will somehow ruin everyone else’s chance at happiness if I’m nearby. So I hide away.

Luckily my job makes it very easy to hide. I’m never in one place for more than a few days. Always running away.

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