Looks like another failed attempt

Today is 7dp5dt. I caved and did a POAS yesterday, BFN. Went out and purchased an early response test, tried it first thing this morning, also BFN. Spent an hour reading stories where BFNs later because BFPs, but I just don’t think that’s the case for me. This means there is only one frozen embryo left in Sydney. So much for the spares for siblings.

I hate how the hormones (progesterone and estrogen) mimic pregnancy symptoms. It’s cruel. Sore boobs, nausea, heightened sense of smell. How I wish I was experiencing these symptoms and it meant something.

This transfer has been an emotional rollercoaster. On the advice of Dr B (my fertility specialist in Sydney), I had an endometrial scratch and got tested for NK Killer cells.

To do the scratch here in Singapore requires anaesthetic and costs $3,000. It’s not the cost that puts me off but the anaesthetic. I just don’t really have anyone here yet who I could ask to collect me from the hospital. I don’t want to confide in work colleagues at the moment. And in Sydney I felt I told too many people. But maybe I do need to try and make some friends outside work. Difficult when I am only in town for a few days a month.

I was in London last month and found a private IVF clinic that would see me as a private day patient. The procedure wasn’t cheap, but I was in and out in less than 30 minutes and spent the rest of the day at our offices nearby. The results took 3 weeks to come through but came back clear.

Part of me wanted something to be wrong, to explain why I keep failing and so that we can fix it. But sadly there still doesn’t seem to be any obvious reason why this keeps failing.

After the scratch I began my transfer routine in Singapore. The clinic are great, so friendly and I really appreciate them being flexible with my travel arrangements. I don’t do blood tests there, only scans. Dr P (my Singapore fertility specialist) says the scans are enough to monitor me by and the blood test won’t tell him much more.

These past 2 transfers I have struggled with the thickness of my lining. This didn’t used to be a problem in earlier transfers but it seems like since last year’s D&C, the lining never really gets much above 8mm.

I usually have an ultrasound every 3-4 days but was over in Japan and Malaysia for work for 10 days straight. Dr P said I needed to get the thickness checked, if it wasn’t over 7 then I shouldn’t start the progesterone meds.

I made some enquiries with clinics in both Japan and Malaysia without much luck. Had to ask a Japanese colleague to help me find a clinic that accepts walk-in, private patients. What do you know, there is one not far from our Tokyo offices! We made an appointment and I called in during the Japan trip. Lining was only 6.5mm. Up from the 6mm 3 days earlier but not as thick as I’d have liked. The Dr in Japan didn’t seem too concerned. Recommended I eat plenty of edamame and get another scan a few days later.

I got scanned again on Saturday morning in Singapore and it was 8mm. Got on the flight to Sydney that night.

Transfer was Monday morning at the new day hospital in a different part of town. The lining was up to 8.7mm. Like last time I just stayed near the hotel and didn’t connect with any Sydney friends. If I’m going to see people I don’t want it getting in the way of this treatment, it is too painful to keep updating nosy curious friends.

I always like seeing Dr B. He is so kind and I feel that he genuinely cares about my treatment and wants it to work.

Everything went smoothly with the transfer and I flew back to Singapore that night.

My parents arrived the next day.

And I resigned from work the day after.

These drugs are causing havoc with my emotions!

The resignation took everyone by surprise (me included) but has been brewing for a while. I am probably an idiot to throw away a good career in a great company, but there are certain things that have been bothering me ah work and I just couldn’t tolerate them any longer.

My boss refused to accept the resignation and has asked me to stay until end of March. I’m considering it and we are meeting again tomorrow.

He told me to take a few days off as it’s been non-stop these past few months.

I went over to Sarawak, Borneo with Mum and Dad. It was so good to get away from everything. No internet, no calls. Orangutans, monkeys and these weird bearded pigs! I’m so lucky that my parents enjoy travel and have such adventurous spirits. Love that we get to go on these trips together.

We got back yesterday and that’s when I did the POAS.

Will test again Wednesday (probably tomorrow too as I have zero willpower for these hpts!). Then I need to start thinking about what to do next.

I wish it was a different outcome. Really felt like this transfer might work.

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